Home away from home.
For most people in the settlement, this is what they call home.
When before they live freely, roaming the streets without fear.
Finding everything they need.
Where children can play. You hear laughter like no cares in the world.
Now, they live under protection.
Because some people decided a life for them.
Where fighting becomes normal everyday life.
Men become greedy with power.
That they forget that the world is not only for them but for all.
Out of fear.
They run.They fled. They cry.
That one day, their life will be back to the way it was.
In their own home.
In their own land.
Every day, every morning I receive an email from one religious organization – a message designed to be from God and they called it God Whispers. Telling me his thoughts about me and about my life, my dreams, my past and what could be my future.
They are encouraging words at times when I am confused or at a lost for words to describe my day. Or they can be random that I cannot relate to it until after days and there are times I completely forget them.
Yesterday God whispered these words to me
In a gold mine, you’re surrounded by gold. The problem is that you can’t see the gold because it’s covered by darkness, dirt, and danger.
Look for the glitter,
P.S. Dhidhak, do you have a lot of problems today? The more problems you have, the more gold you have.
But couldn’t relate it to my life at that moment until after I reviewed how my day was before going to sleep.
Towards the end of the day yesterday I received a letter of rejection from the fellowship I applied last January.
The application was hanging over my head even before the accident. I didn’t give it much thought because I was busy moving between Turkey and Tunisia and continuing my remote technical support to people in the field until I had the accident.
When it happened, I felt I needed to do something to keep me relevant because I know how long it will take to recover. I decided to finish the application, asking friends and colleagues to give me a reference to help propel it and waited to know if I will have a future with them. My focus changed and applying for the fellowship and hopefully getting it would be a good plan at the time when I was not certain what my future would be.
So yesterday afternoon, for a brief moment I was stunned by the letter. I will be a hypocrite if I say I didn’t felt bad, and a bit insulted having been told my life’s work is not impressive to a group of people who decides who can join the program and be the best leader after the training. Of course, I did, rejection fuels different emotions – hurt, pain, it lower self-esteem and it is one reason we have a very confused world now. But then the more I think about it, I am more challenged than rejected. Challenged to strive harder.
Once the initial reaction subsided, which didn’t take long, I sent messages to my friends who sent me the invitation. If not for him, I wouldn’t know about it and to those who gave me professional references. I regret a little bit not getting in the program because it could be a good platform to promote my advocacy and put disability in the forefront rather than an afterthought in so many global discussions that affect our society now.
I also left a message with my sister telling her the news and what I think it means to me. As always she has the right words to say at the right time, putting me in my place, placated my feelings of rejection and any other negative thoughts that formed around it and went to bed at peace.
This morning, reading what had God whispered re-affirmed my reaction to the letter yesterday.
I realized that there is so much gold around us, around me, and in me. But gold doesn’t come from the ground glittering and glowing the moment you see them. Like any gems and precious metals, you don’t know them unless you know what you are looking for — they come covered in dirt, in between rocks or found in the darkest part of the earth. It takes time to get to the part where it glitters, and value appreciates.
Maybe that is how I came across to those that reviewed my application among the hundreds of applicants. It didn’t glitter to the luster that attracts attention enough to offer me the opportunity. But its’ okay, I don’t need to be glowing and glittering to serve and to lead. I may not have a fancy title attached to my name, but I know that at the end of the day your title doesn’t earn you the feeling of fulfillment knowing that you found gold in others and that they see the gold in me.
I did another impulse buying last night… I bought my very own domain name. I’ve been debating that for a long time. After I paid for it, I soon realized that I have to really do good and be serious about writing. Just because I was shuffling between two blogs, I decided to just have one and have all of my stories in one place I clicked upgrade. So last night I stayed up late being guided by tech support on how to.get started.
I felt pretty determined talking to the techy guy, asking the right questions. I felt empowered thinking to myself I can do this until I woke up the following morning.
I managed to merge all my blogs into one account. It would mean I will lose my followers and those I follow from the old site and I will have to start from zero before I went to bed.
So today, when I woke up, I decided to tackle the task head on — to figure out what I will do with my new project.
I remember asking the techy guy or gal who knows I am talking to a machine … on how I can make the site interactive, having all the things I want to share in one place. For someone not as techy, creating a website will take me forever, it would be a huge undertaking.
It didn’t help that the heat inside and outside the house was rising towards the night. Today it registered a whopping 33 degrees but felt like 45 degrees with 75% humidity, and even without moving I felt tired. The fan was spewing air non-stop, and if it can complain or storm out of my room, it would have done so.
Merging blog posts is a daunting task. While exporting and importing was easy, merging them will require a lot of patience. I am talking three years worth of stories, photos, poems and anything else under the sun (no pun intended) to review, re-categorize and maybe re-blog.
Plus there are tons of photos I’ve accumulated over the years that I wanted to document and archive, and half of them will need to be digitized to preserve them in the cloud memory.
Before I can even think of my late mom’s coin and stamp collections that needed some attention.
I am just happy to be up and about. The roller-coaster of emotions doesn’t beckon and I am taking advantage of it. I guess, now that I have a project to do, I can forget about my recovery for a while.
Although I should keep my home therapy – keep improving my gait and maybe start climbing more stairs to get used to it. That way I can return my dad’s room soon and reclaim mine.
It’s night time again. I can’t say if I made progress, all thoughts are in the paper and the more I attempt to put them in place then it gets complicated again. It’s a sign I should stop and regroup in the morning.
Please be patient!
Have you heard this quote before?
The quote made a mark in my life, especially when I decided to venture outside of the Philippines and pursue a life different from what I imagine for me.
It was the very words said to me by my very dear friend – Lolo Etoy. He’s been dead for ten years, since November 2008, but I am very sure he lived a long, fun-filled, fulfilled life for 97 years.
The late Hector del Rosario and I met during my UHF and VHF hobbyist days back in the early 90’s.
It was my brother who introduced the radio to me, it being part of his equipment as a radio technician back in the days. But it was my being talkative that brought me to the radio world and their frequencies, and I was schooled on the proper use of the very high-frequency radio. Eventually, I became part of their group and joined in social and emergency activities. That was the pre-cell phone and social media days!
When I decided to accept the job being offered to work in Cambodia, he was one of the first people I mentioned it to. That’s how much respect I had for him that I considered him one of my life’s mentor.
The week before I left, Lolo Etoy shared the pearl quote.
“The world is the oyster, you are the pearl”
That was in the year 2000, my first time to travel outside of the Philippines. He told me that “working overseas would not be easy”, and it was not. He also said that “only experience will teach me to find out who am I and discover my potentials”. And I “should always be the better version of me”.
I realized over the years, that I was given pieces of advice that were full of wisdom before I even knew it. I valued all his advice including those about savings and living a frugal life but it was hard to follow and live up to it sometimes.
Until the time he passed away he was still working. He still goes to work and visits different institutions his foundation run every day even if he doesn’t need to. Without a doubt, he died a wealthy man, leaving behind more than money, he left a legacy.
They were one of the first family to give quality funeral services to the Filipino and over the years, they diversified to include schools and hospitals.
Every time we met when I return home for breaks, I get picked up by his chauffeur – Mang Romy, and we always dine in a five-star restaurant. For a young woman, earning just enough, it was very fancy but he always reminds me that he can enjoy it because he had worked hard for it. And told me I can enjoy it too someday.
He doesn’t look the part of being a wealthy man but every place we go and every people we meet knew who he was and was appropriated the respect his stature and his person deserved.
He showed me how to enjoy life and how to accept myself. He showed me that with perseverance you can achieve what you put your heart and mind into. He showed me that everybody can be good if given the chance.
He was one of the few people that left a mark in my life and will remain in my heart.